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  • Writer's pictureHayden Purcell

Sabotage & Loss

Updated: Jan 19

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If all of my inspiration for original music could not come from situations that cause emotional instability, that'd be great...

I get really frustrated with myself that some...Ok, many...of my issues are rooted in a lack of romantic relationships, or the absence of, or the eventuality of such situations falling into dismay.

Recognising that infatuations can be a really big trigger for my mental health, I have been trying over the past couple of years to really change my habits with dating, and try to avoid it entirely. There's always too much grey area, and opportunities for misinterpretation and uncertainty, that cause really challenging overthinking spirals that can be easily influenced by the world around me, to do things that only serve to cause damage to my mental and emotional wellbeing. So naturally, in trying to avoid all of this, of course I fell in love last year. It was doomed from the start, and I knew it, but I thought I could use the experience to test myself and the growth I'd been striving for, by trying to handle the situation as platonic, keep my feelings aside, and bide my time until she was in a better place to contemplate the potential. But I totally lost control, and fell down into my same old obsessive patterns, of perceivably needing to have this thing, in spite of realising it wouldn't be good, for either of us.

It all came to a pretty explosive end where our viewpoints were communicated in circles, with neither of us really able to accept or understand where the other was coming from, resulting in me needing to remove myself entirely. I suppose, that's where I noticed the biggest change. Previous situations like this I would try to keep myself somehow involved in their life after things came to a close, from a distance, as if to say 'I'm still here when you're ready, and if you need'. But this time, I knew I needed to remove myself entirely from this persons life, more for my own sanity and wellbeing, so I could let go of these things I was feeling, but also because I knew my behaviours and expressions of were not in any way helping her situation. After our heated discussion, I ended up being ostracised from the friendship group we were part of, I believe she possibly made me out to be the enemy. I blamed myself and went down a spiral of self hatred and depression for almost a month (Ok, more so than my usual baseline), before I started to reconnect with some of the people I actually needed from that group. By this point, as much guilt as I had, in not respecting someones boundaries, and also not sticking to my own and attempting to treat things differently; I realised it wasn't all my fault. That she also encouraged the situation whether she wanted to or not, because unfortunately, a part of our connection was a trauma bond, and she enjoyed part of what I was giving her as much as she knew it wasn't good for her to take it from me. Over time I began to hear some stories of her getting into situations that seemed to serve only to push people away, but it made me sad, because, she always sees everybody else as the problem. I realised in my intentional enforced distance from her, that there was one very big difference between us. I'm always quick to blame myself, and she is always quick to blame others. But I reflect on my levels of guilt, and come to logical conclusions in my head about where OK, hands up, I fuck up, but also can recognise, it's not all on me. I don't think she ever reflects this way. She will never take any blame upon herself, because it will then only serve to feel like a justification for her own trauma she has to deal with. Easier to see others as the enemy, than to reflect inwardly and live with the discomfort that sometimes your behaviours cause harm too, because it's unfathomable to believe that if you've been in so much hurt for so long, you would be capable of hurting another, especially those you care about, and who care about you.

I don't want to, but I do feel for her on this. Friends she had that she has alienated against herself, she will never realise where she could have changed her behaviours or approach to rectify a situation, and instead, perpetuated narratives in her head that saw everyone around her as the enemy. These people sometimes talk down on her, and I understand why they do, because people will make you whatever they need you to be in their head, to make their narrative make sense to them. Sometimes you have to be OK with being the villain in somebody else's story so they can find their own perception of closure. But it doesn't stop me feeling bad for her. I hope she gets the help she needs, and finds her sense of peace, whatever that looks like. This song is about me ignoring all the red flags that lay in my way, ignoring all the advice given to me by friends, caring too much, and taking on so much blame, to ultimately realise that, yes, I created my own path of self sabotage, but also, the other person is never willing or able to take any accountability for things they could have done differently.


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